How I feel nowadays in 5months pregnant

Dear blog,

Salam 1 Malaysia (: 

Today, I feel the need to express something that’s weighing heavily on my heart. Besides confiding in You, Ya Rabb, I feel this blog is also a place where I can let out what’s been bottled up inside.

Today, I’m 5 months pregnant. Time flies so fast, and with each passing day, my body aches more, my back hurts. But my heart remains strong and steadfast, ready to face whatever lies ahead.

When the time comes to give birth, I wonder, will he come to iqamah our child? Will he be there in the labor room? And how will he feel seeing his child born on the same day our marriage of more than 3 years might come to an end?

So many thoughts race through my mind. Does he really lack empathy for the birth of his child, or does he ever stop to think about the feelings of the mother carrying his child?

In this pregnancy, I often wish to be pampered, to feel appreciated… but hasbiyallah wa ni’mal wakil, the trials from Allah are truly immense.

Just a week ago, I sought to find out if he had truly changed as he claimed. Yet, Allah, in His wisdom and justice, showed me otherwise. I saw the dating apps, the playful dating WhatsApp messages with his cabin crew, inviting each other out on dates and exchanging affectionate words. My heart aches as I wonder, would it have been better if he acted that way with me? His behavior toward others is so different from how he treats me.

It’s painful to reflect on, but my heart remains strong. Allah has not yet granted him His guidance. Trial after trial comes, but he is still lost in the distractions of this world—his desires and other women. I pray that Allah grants him hidayah, that he doesn’t remain astray until the day he meets You.

Today, I feel the need to express something that’s weighing heavily on my heart. Besides confiding in You, Ya Rabb, I feel this blog is also a place where I can let out what’s been bottled up inside.

Today, I’m 5 months pregnant. Time flies so fast, and with each passing day, my body aches more, my back hurts. But my heart remains strong and steadfast, ready to face whatever lies ahead.