I’m Tired of Asking…

 

Dear Blog 

I’m tired.

Tired of asking, tired of pleading with someone who holds the title father to my children.

Why is it so hard for him to have even a little compassion for his own daughters ? Why is there no humanity in him towards the lives he helped bring into this world? He passed his responsibilities to me without a second thought, as if I was made to carry everything alone, without rest, without help, without care.

He forgets, or perhaps chooses to ignore, that providing for the children is not a favour .It’s a duty. A duty that should have been his from the start.

The children are still so young. From the moment Sumayyah was born until now, he’s constantly neglected his responsibilities and her needs. And with Sophia… it’s even more heartbreaking. How do you explain to a child why their father isn’t there? Why they’re not loved the way they deserve?

I’ve tried to be everything mother, protector, provider. But I’m only human. Some days I stand strong, other days I feel like I’m falling apart inside. I don’t ask for much. I don’t even ask for me. I just want my daughters to receive what they’re rightfully owed love, care, and the presence of a father.

If not for me, then at least… do it for the daughters who never asked to be brought into this world only to feel abandoned.

 

To Captain Muhamad Zaini Bin Zainal,

One day ,  in this world or the next . Allah will repay you for the pain and injustice you have caused, both to me and to your own daughters. Not a single breath, not a single step will escape the destiny that Allah has written. You will face the consequences, lillahi ta'ala, in His perfect timing.

You may have hidden your wrongdoings from others, but Allah sees everything, every act of cruelty, every betrayal, every neglect disguised in silence. The suffering you’ve caused will not go unanswered. My prayers, born from the deepest hurt and sincerity, will return to you , because the oppressed have a direct line to Allah.

What you’ve done may be ignored by the world, but not by Him. One day, you will feel it. And when it comes, may it serve as a reminder of every tear, every heartbreak, and every moment of injustice you left behind.

Child Support , For the Sake of Justice and My Daughters Future

The court date for child support is just around the corner. I’ve prepared all the necessary documents and requirements. My hope is that through the legal process, the management of kids support for my children will become more structured, fair, and protected.

As a mother, I can no longer bear to be under the control of someone who uses his position as a father to exert power ,  even when it comes to matters concerning our kids. A narcissistic person often feels entitled and powerful simply because he has money. But he is mistaken.

The wealth and sustenance he receives are not solely his , they are also the rightful provision of his kids. It’s heartbreaking to see a father who forces his daughters to beg for what is rightfully theirs, simply because he wants to withhold it out of spite or ego. Worse, he spends money on friends and outsiders just to gain their support, forgetting his true responsibility lies at home.

But I know that everything in this world belongs to Allah. And Allah never sleeps. He sees everything ,  what is hidden and what is revealed. Stop twisting the truth to fit your own narrative. Because one day, the justice of Allah will reach you for what you’ve done to me and your innocent kids

This isn’t about hatred. This is about standing up for what’s right , for the rights and dignity of my daughters. Please keep us in your prayers. May Allah guide us through this with mercy and justice.Aminnn !

When the Truth is Blinded by Manipulation

Sometimes, I can’t help but feel that those who believe his version of the story , those  his followers and sympathisers are blind to the truth. So easily influenced. So easily manipulated. They refuse to see the cruelty behind the façade, choosing instead to support a narrative that protects a man’s ego rather than his responsibility.

Even during Raya, providing basic essentials for the children felt like a burden to him. Not even a single cent of duit raya was given. No visits, no calls, no effort to show love , not even on such meaningful days. Is this what a responsible, loving father looks like?

Open your eyes. You’re living under the influence of a man who is cruel and undeserving of the title “father.”

To those who continue to stand by him, who turn a blind eye to his actions, I pray that on the Day of Judgment, I will stand before you, and every pain and injustice caused to me and mykids will be accounted for. May your support of cruelty weigh heavy on your scales.

This isn’t just about pain , it’s about truth, and about the rights of innocent kids who deserve far better.

Mother's Day 2025 – A Single Mother's Heart

 

Today is Mother’s Day. Happy Mother Days Diana !

As usual , house is as quiet . 

No flowers, no cake, no handmade cards from tiny fingers , just their little voices calling “Mommy …” every day, which has become the most precious gift of all.

I woke up early this morning, like I always do.

Prepared breakfast, bathed the baby, got the eldest ready for swimming class every weekend .

Tired? Yes. But this exhaustion has become a close companion since the day I became a single mother.

Sometimes I cry in silence,  behind the bathroom door.

Not because I am weak, but because I have been strong for too long.

Even strength needs a moment to breathe.

They don’t know how hard I try.

To care, to nurture, to earn a living, to protect all on my own.

But I never feel truly alone… because these 2 little hearts are always with me.

In their laughter, I forget every burden.

This Mother’s Day, I don’t expect greetings.

I don’t hope for presents.

It's enough when they wrap their tiny arms around me and say, “Mommy , we love you.”

That’s the purest prayer I could ever ask for.

Today, I don’t celebrate Mother’s Day.

I honour myself. A mother. A warrior.

One who never stops , even when her heart is broken, even when her strength is nearly gone.

To all the single mothers out there ,  we may not be perfect, but we are more than enough.

And that is everything.

Happy Mother’s Day… to me , to Mommy Noah 

And to you, who walk this same path.

After done Iddah - 3moths 12Days

 

Dear Blog (:

Salam1 Malaysia .. 

Alhamdulillah, the iddah is over.

Today marks the end of a long and painful chapter, my iddah period, which lasted 8 months. I am deeply grateful to Allah for granting me strength and patience throughout this journey.

During this time, I also welcomed my 2nd daughter into the world, Sumayyah Aleesya. A beautiful blessing born from a difficult path. Carrying her while going through emotional battles was not easy, especially when left completely alone, betrayed by the one who once promised to protect, and mistreated by both him and his family.

There were moments I was made to feel worthless, treated like I didn’t matter. But Allah never left my side. The prayers I whispered through tears over the years have finally been answered. Not in loud victories, but in quiet truths, through a series of events marked by heedlessness, a lack of compassion, and divine testing known as istidraj.

Day after day, I watch from a distance as my ex husband’s Muhamad Zaini Bin Zainal life unfolds filled with layers of drama and masks. Money and status have given him a sense of power, even superiority. But life built on illusions and manipulation cannot sustain itself forever. Buying people with wealth may work for a while, but the truth always finds its way.

This journey has not broken me. It has refined me. I stand today as a mother, a believer, and a woman who knows her worth.

Truth Will Always Find Its Way

As time passes and iddah ends, more truths begin to unfold, one after another. Painful, yet enlightening.

It was finally revealed that my ex-husband, throughout our marriage and even after, was involved in immoral and disgraceful acts, breaking the sacred trust of marriage with zina and continuous transgressions. Despite outwardly appearing pious through prayers and rituals, he neglects one of the most critical obligations, which is providing for his own children. In Islam, failing to fulfill the duty of nafkah (sustenance) for one’s children invalidates even the most sincere worship. Prayers without responsibility are nothing more than empty actions devoid of acceptance from Allah.

Throughout the course of my iddah, I also came to learn about a woman who had long been present during our marriage. Her presence hidden, her role ignored. Bit by bit, Allah revealed the reality. This woman, LCC Cabin Crew Batik Air Christine Chong, chose to involve herself in a family already broken, further damaging the fragile relationship between a father and his kids.

Christine, as someone who has experienced life as an orphan, one would expect empathy, especially toward children who are now emotionally deprived of a father’s presence. But instead, your actions have only added to their pain. A woman of dignity and true class would never build her happiness on the destruction of a family, especially at the expense of innocent children.

Isn’t your faith a guide to morals and values? Has it not taught you the meaning of integrity and compassion?

You now stand beside a man who has not only betrayed his own family, but has also been diagnosed with a clear mental condition: narcissistic personality disorder, a manipulator who twists truths to fit his narrative.

I have many times advice , Do not allow yourself to be another pawn in his illusions. And may you reflect deeply on the choices you make, because dignity once lost to money and manipulation is rarely reclaimed.

May Allah continue to reveal the truth, protect my children, and guide all hearts back to what is right.

To anyone walking through darkness right now, trust in Allah’s timing. He sees, He hears, and He will respond in ways far greater than we imagine.

Ya Allah, aku memohon kepadaMu dengan penuh harapan dan kerendahan hati. Bantulah kami yang berada di pihak yang benar. Lindungilah kami dari manusia yang mengkhianati, yang berlaku zalim, yang memutarbelitkan kebenaran dan menabur fitnah.

Ya Allah, tariklah keberkatan dalam hidup mereka yang menzalimi diri kami, dan jika mereka terus dalam keangkuhan dan tidak bertaubat , lalaikanlah mereka dengan apa yang mereka cintai sebagai bentuk istidraj dariMu, agar mereka sedar atau ditundukkan dengan keadilanMu.

Sesungguhnya, Engkaulah sebaik-baik pembalas dan pelindung kepada yang teraniaya. Kuatkan hati kami dalam menghadapi ujian ini. Ya Muntaqim , Ya Jabar . 

7 months left No Changes on him

 

Dear Blog (:

Salam 1 Malaysia 

In the end, I no longer hold any expectations. For nearly 7 months now, I have seen NO change in Zaini, even in his role as a father. He has not taken any initiative in the welfare of the children. He is merely a provider, responsible only for fulfilling basic needs. I've tried to nurture his love and affection for their  children, but it has been in vain. Even when I bring Sophia along, he spends no time with the children, often leaving them at home to go out, socializing or dating his new partner. I realize now that any hope for positive change may be unrealistic, as from the beginning of our marriage, I was the only one taking care of Noah. Even as a father, he has only provided financial support, and only after being urged to fulfill his duties as both a father and a husband .

In my view, his failure as a husband for the second time could be forgiven if he was willing to change and admit his mistakes. However, it would be a great loss for him if he also fails as a father. By Allah, as his wife, I am deeply disappointed by his behavior and actions. It’s as if he lacks empathy for his own family, manipulating fabricated stories to those around him who are unaware of the truth. Many witnesses and evidence attest to the issues we faced. I sincerely pray that Allah guides him on the right path and does not lead him astray like those who were hypocritical in the past.

In Islam teaches, 'A good man is good to his family.'

Six Months Pregnant. Papa , Your Love is Our Home!

 

Dear Blog (:

Salam 1 Malaysia

It has now been 6 months, and time has passed so quickly. I am beginning to feel tension and pain in my legs, especially in every  mornings. I can’t imagine or wonder how much more intense labor will be. Even now, I am facing this leg pain on my own. 

Ohh Allah, please grant me the strength to endure this journey. Show me the best path forward. Protect me during childbirth. If that moment comes and my life is in Your hands, please guide my children toward righteousness and raise them in the way that pleases You. Bestow upon them guidance and wisdom from You !

It is indeed challenging to navigate the process of divorce while I am pregnant. My heart feels heavy thinking about the impact on our children. Emotionally, only I and Allah truly understand the weight of this burden, constantly battling feelings that remind me as if my husband is still by my side.

Although we are still in the waiting period (Iddah) , I continue to hope that we can reconcile and become a happy family, as many others do. In the past year , I often felt sorrow for Noah, experiencing the loss of his mother and yearning for a complete family. Now, I find myself in this situation, particularly for my kids, who are just 1year old and the 1 still on the way. Only Allah knows how this story will unfold. I never imagined this would happen, and had my husband not involved a third party, our family might not be in this position

How can I tell  Zaini,  come to realize that the women around him are tests in his life? I urge him to return to where he truly belongs, caring for the family that has been entrusted to him. This world is not everlasting. Please come back to us. Along with our children, wish to guide you toward paradise together.

Please realize that we are the family you have created and promised thru Allah. Do not leave us divided . the children need us together, not living in 2 separate homes. Everything you desire has been granted by Allah without difficulty, such as children and sustenance. Do you wish to deny the blessings Allah has given you for the sake of a small trial in the form of a woman? I have reminded you time and again that status, wealth, and women are your TESTS. Step away from this trial. Awaken and return to your Creator. Do not allow Syaitan  to distract you in this world. 

Remember, the world, wealth, and riches you possess are only temporary. Do not let yourself regret this later. My hands, along with your children’s, are devoted to guiding you back to the path of Allah, the path of His pleasure. Rise up, my husband !

Whenever it rains or after we finish our prayers, I always invite Sophia to join me in praying for her father to realize what he is doing. His decision to divorce due to women and desires, along with his ego that prevents him from accepting human shortcomings, is a mistake. Life constantly presents us with tests. from these tests, we should learn to improve ourselves rather than approaching the same trials again. Let us bring ourselves back to our Creator, Allah.

Lastly, time is very short, there are only 3 months left until I am due to give birth. There has been no reflection from my husband indicating that he wishes to change and improve our family situation. I find myself in a dilemma. if he truly wants us to reunite as a family, he must abandon the sinful actions he has taken, such as engaging in relations with women who are not lawful, maintaining proper boundaries with other women, and being mindful of his speech when interacting with the opposite gender. He should appreciate the family that has always been by his side. Regardless of what happens, this is still your family. When your child is born on the expected date of January 29, 2025, my waiting period (Iddah) will end. At that point, my heart will accept whatever unfolds, even though it may be difficult to accept, I must continue to fulfill the trust that Allah has given me .

Ohh Allah, draw Zaini closer to You with sincere self-reflection. Grant him mental therapy that may come through the remembrance of You and spiritual connection. Instill in him feelings of empathy and humanity so that he may recognize his actions and make amends. As he grows older, let him remember that many women seek only status and wealth. Remind him of the difficult times he has faced and who has truly stood by him, aside from his children

How I feel nowadays in 5months pregnant

Dear blog,

Salam 1 Malaysia (: 

Today, I feel the need to express something that’s weighing heavily on my heart. Besides confiding in You, Ya Rabb, I feel this blog is also a place where I can let out what’s been bottled up inside.

Today, I’m 5 months pregnant. Time flies so fast, and with each passing day, my body aches more, my back hurts. But my heart remains strong and steadfast, ready to face whatever lies ahead.

When the time comes to give birth, I wonder, will he come to iqamah our child? Will he be there in the labor room? And how will he feel seeing his child born on the same day our marriage of more than 3 years might come to an end?

So many thoughts race through my mind. Does he really lack empathy for the birth of his child, or does he ever stop to think about the feelings of the mother carrying his child?

In this pregnancy, I often wish to be pampered, to feel appreciated… but hasbiyallah wa ni’mal wakil, the trials from Allah are truly immense.

Just a week ago, I sought to find out if he had truly changed as he claimed. Yet, Allah, in His wisdom and justice, showed me otherwise. I saw the dating apps, the playful dating WhatsApp messages with his cabin crew, inviting each other out on dates and exchanging affectionate words. My heart aches as I wonder, would it have been better if he acted that way with me? His behavior toward others is so different from how he treats me.

It’s painful to reflect on, but my heart remains strong. Allah has not yet granted him His guidance. Trial after trial comes, but he is still lost in the distractions of this world—his desires and other women. I pray that Allah grants him hidayah, that he doesn’t remain astray until the day he meets You.

Today, I feel the need to express something that’s weighing heavily on my heart. Besides confiding in You, Ya Rabb, I feel this blog is also a place where I can let out what’s been bottled up inside.

Today, I’m 5 months pregnant. Time flies so fast, and with each passing day, my body aches more, my back hurts. But my heart remains strong and steadfast, ready to face whatever lies ahead.

After 3 years and half in SILENT

 

Dear Blog (:

Salam 1 Malaysia 

Its been a long time not update here , so today i express what my feeling was ...

"When we give our everything to others, we tend to forget about ourselves." Sometimes we just go along with everything our loved ones desire, but have you received anything in return? Don't Hope . Because the people we care about will not understand what you sacrifice for them. Take a look back at all we've done. And you'll be able to tell how much she or he appreciated you.

Heyh Diana , I know you're TIRED of everyone telling you that you are going to be okay , when really every day the pain feels like it enlarges and feels never ending . As if this what your life will be forever ?Im not telling you that one day you wont ever hurt again , and maybe you wont . But what Im trying to say is that pain , this constant heartache embedded into your heart will be worth it one day and maybe not in this life but the next for all your struggles will be rewarded in heaven . So all task of you is to hold on. 

Survive as long as possible until Allah provides a path of guidance. 2 months ago, on June 4th, 2024, I received a fantastic test and challenge from someone I adore. My children need a father figure. God had no idea how much my soul and heart were hurting until that moment. At the time, my emotions seemed incapable of bearing the pain of what I witnessed. When I read it, it brought tears to my eyes, Allahuakhbar. Look at him next to me at the time, sound asleep despite the fact that he was able to conceal things that were breaking my heart.

Why is it that the person I love does that to me? What is my sin that God puts me through such a test? The sacrifice I've made for him and this family is still insufficient. Oh God, I am not strong enough to visit my sad heart.

When asked why he cheated on me, he said it was because he was bored with me. God, why don't you shield his heart from his harmful desires and thoughts? Every day, I do my job as a wife and mother to our children, whereas he enjoys texting with other women and slandering and humiliating his wife in front of his colleagues.

He had the luxury of spending his money on the woman while I was cooking for the children and . While I prayed for his health and safe return home, it turned out that he was still having fun inviting them to commit adultery. Doesn't he feel bad about what he did to me?

He offered no solution, even blaming me for what had happened. Cheating is wrong, and adultery is still a major sin. Is it wrong for me to criticize him for what he did? As a result, he filed for divorce against me, Nauzubillah, despite the fact that he was fully aware that I was three months pregnant with his child. And we have two young children, one year and four months old, as well as a nine-year-old stepchild. What exactly was he thinking when he made such a decision?

The tears did not stop flowing day after day, and they fell silently during every prayer. Every night, I lament what happened and beg God to give me strength. Only God can provide the most effective guidance. I can still not stop thinking about what happened. Please, God, soften the husband's heart so that they can both correct themselves and repent to Him. May the husband withdraw this divorce case and remember our fate, as well as that of our children and future generations. 

He is a good husband and father if he can survive in this dunya full of zina 

The Past

 

Dear Blog (:

Salam 1 Malaysia 

We all may have the worst past but we can make the most beautiful future. Don’t dwell on the past, learn to move on. Learn from the it but listen to your heart. Don’t stop feeling, be the same soft hearted person you are. You’re beautiful enough !  You may have made mistakes and that’s okay. Learn from it, your past and watch the smile on your face return. When you least expect it, when you’re at your lowest, He’ll send along all that your heart’s yearned for. You deserve happiness bcos you’re amazing and have a heart of gold. You are enough. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Don’t stand in your own way of happiness, give yourself the chance to live, and to love. I know we might be lost and confused. We might be hurting. But have patience. Time heals all, and I’m not just saying that. Just know that there’s someone made for you, someone and somewhere is waiting for you while you’re here waiting for them. There’s someone out there that will love you so much  the way you deserve to be loved. In their eyes you’ll be perfect regardless of your many shortcomings. They’ll love you boundlessly. They’ll take you out of the darkness, they’ll find you and make you you again. Have patience and live life, when the time is right you’ll find them and they’ll find you. -ND 

Hardship this time , I really need your help

 

Dear Blog (:

Salam 1 Malaysia , 

Have been so long I did not update my blogger,

and today ..... ,

  I just got the right time with my beloved diary <3

 I dont know how to express , all become uncertain , 

 my life changed 360 degrees  and I must continue my life like a normal .

Ohh Allah , I want to change . I dont want to be like this anymore .

They dont hear my silence , this silence is a cry for help .

Ohh Allah , only you hear it , I know you hear me ! Help me for i no longer want to live like this .

Ohh Allah , my eyes are sore , my heart constantly aches , my lungs are giving out . Its getting hard to breath . I am my own self destruction . 

Ohh Allah , please save me for I dont want to fall back down again . I dont want to feel this pain anymore . Its really made me suffer a lot ! 

There is a void in me that I cant fill , this void can only be filled with your light . 

Ohh Allah , help me . Save me . I am lost and I need to find my way . I need to find my way back 

Please guide me 

-ND

Heart only remember Allah

Dear Blog 

Salam 1 Malaysia 

What I’ve learnt is to be grateful at all times. I know sometimes it’s so hard to do so, and you feel like talking to Allah, you feel like reminding Him about all those things that make you sad. and when you do so, you also tell Him that if you do not complain to Him, then to whom you should go and lighten the burdens of your heart. because He said that He’s the only One for you, because He said that He loves you, that’s why you always go to Him and talk about your sufferings, about everything that’s breaking your heart apart. but despite it all, you have to tell yourself that you’re not that wise to understand His plans, that His plans are always for your good but you do not understand. sometimes He makes your heart suffer, He puts you through difficult times so that you come to know that this life is temporary, so that you yearn for jannah so much that your heart only remembers Allah. He makes this dunya hurt you to an extent that you only find peace with the fact that if you worship Him, if you please Him, He will reward you with a place where happiness is known for its eternity, a place where your heart will always smile.

-ND.Hashim